Diary Archives 2003:

December 08, 2003
     First off, we went to see "The Last Samurai" last night. It was absolutely incredible. I found the film extremely inspiring and uplifting. The cinematography was stunning in its beauty. The moral lessons the movie taught really hit home to a lot of people, I think. Even David came out of the movie crying. It made me see things in a different light.
     Today, I was compelled to create a list of things I want to do in life to better myself. I believe that I can find peace and harmony within myself if I stick to what I believe. Here is my list. I plan on adding to it often.
I want to live as balanced with nature as I possibly can. I want to celebrate the turning of the seasons, the elements, and the earth itself. I want to recognize myself as a piece in the complex workings of the universe, whatever happens.
I want to think outside the box. I want to do something different and better from the norm. I refuse to follow society's standards. I refuse to slave away behind a desk working a blue collar job for the rest of my life. I don't want to be tied down by credit, a mortgage, a car payment, and bills. Nature did not equip us for that. I want to forget about all of these things and instead, have time for peace and solitude.
I want to simplify. I do not want so many "things." I don't need fancy clothes, ten pairs of shoes, or more than one jacket. I can do without these things. The fewer things I have, the less there is to keep up with. I do not have to clean the carpets if I do not have any. I do not need to wax my car if it is not new. I want to live simply with only the things I need; that way, I can admire nature and the things around me. I do not need clutter.
I want to accept and love myself for who I am, no "buts." I know I have faults and flaws and I am okay with that. I look around me and see that we all have imperfections, no matter how pristine we may seem. I wish to accept them and love myself more because of them, not in spite of them.
I want to take the time to think out my responses before answering. I am too quick to answer and I often say the wrong thing. I want to take the time to think, no matter how strange people may find it.
I want to remember to take the time to always try and see things from the other person's point of view, even if they are my enemy, before making my decision. I know that I am very stubborn and often want my own way without seeing the potential for another decision.
I want to apologize freely to others, even when it is not my fault. Apologies set the grounds for resolutions. Fighting does not.
I want to tell the truth as often as possible, even if it sometimes hurts others' feelings. There is no sense in lying. You just have to remember more when you lie, anyway. It makes life overly-complicated.
I want to enjoy every aspect of my life more. I want to appreciate and be awed by my surroundings every day. Life is precious. I want to treat it as such.

A list of things I can do without:

December 1, 2003
     I tried calling my best friend today. We were supposed to hang out yesterday, but I couldn't get a hold of him. I dreamed about him twice and thought he might need to see me. I've really missed him. I have a lot of things I would like to tell him. We decided to meet up this Saturday. I also had the strangest urge to draw today, but I was way too busy to get around to it. Maybe tomorrow after I clean the house. Other than that, not much happened. I baked a pie. Yay.

November 11, 2003
     Certainly, I seem to live in a world where marriage is no longer valued. Many people I meet seem to never want to get married and if they do, they rarely stay together longer than a year or two. A girl at work was speaking to me about her marriage. She told me that it was simply time for her to divorce. I asked her if they were not getting along. She said "no." I asked if they were not able to spend much time together and this was also the problem. When I asked why she was getting a divorce her first answer was "I don't know..." followed by "I just don't want to be married anymore." This, to me, shows a very strong inclination toward living the shows people see on television every day. Divorce is no longer something to be avoided. It is now the normal course of every relationship. How can people still watch TV when it teaches society such demoralizing values? She asked me if I had ever had a divorce. I said "of course not!" I was only 23, not possibly old enough to have a divorce in my past. She did not understand what I meant by this. She asked me what it was I loved so much about my husband. I could not tell her. He does not clean, cook, or do anything at all romantic. He does not look like a super model. He likes to argue, plays his music too loud and drives way too fast when I'm in the car with him. He never tells me he loves me and has never bought for me a single flower. The point of love, though, isn't to have all of these things. I feel complete when David is home. The house is full when he is there. I like his presence and the way we both know what the other is about to say before it is said. I love the way he closes the door when he puts on his deodorant, but he will dress in front of me. I like the way he plays with the cats and how he likes to try and sneak junk food into the basket at the supermarket when I'm not looking. I like rolling over on his side of the bed when he leaves in the morning because his scent on the pillow is comforting. Love doesn't have to be the cookie-cutter red rose, box of chocolates and a limousine type of television love. Real love is something that can't be copied from another couple's relationship. It is a deeper thing, something that ties you to a person because of familiarity and the ability to understand one another. When she asked me why I loved my husband I had to say to her "because he is mine."
   This comes from my personal Bible: The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery.  It is a book I base my life on. It is a book of wisdom that teaches what, in life, is really important.
     Here is an excerpt from the book which really made me think about what love really is. In the book, The Little Prince lives on another planet where he loves only his single flower: a rose, who believes she is unique in all the universe so he counts himself lucky to have her. He decides to visit earth and when he arrives there learns an important lesson about love:

     "But it happened that after walking for a long time through sand, and rocks, and snow, the little prince at last came upon a road...
     'Good morning,' he said.
     He was standing before a garden, all a-bloom with roses.
     'Good morning,' said the roses.
     The Little Prince gazed at them. They all looked like his flower.
     'Who are you?' he demanded, thunderstruck.
     'We are roses,' the roses said.
     And he was overcome with sadness. His flower had told him that she was the only one of her kind in all the universe. And here were five thousand of them, all alike, in one single garden!...
     Then he went on with his reflections: 'I thought that I was rich, with a flower that was unique in all the world; and all I had was a common rose...That doesn't make me a very great prince...'
     And he lay down in the grass and cried.

It was then that the fox appeared.
     'Good morning,' said the fox.
     'Good morning,' the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.
     'I am right here,' the voice said, 'under the apple tree.'
     'Who are you?' asked the little prince, and added, 'You are very pretty to look at.'
     'I am a fox,' the fox said.
     'Come and play with me,' proposed the little prince. 'I am so unhappy.'
     'I cannot play with you,' the fox said. 'I am not tamed.'
     'Ah! Please excuse me,' said the little prince. But, after some though, he added: 'What does that mean - "tame"?'
     'You do not live here,' said the fox. 'What is it that you are looking for?'
     'I am looking for men,' said the little prince. 'What does that mean - "tame"?'
     'Men,' said the fox. 'They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?'
     'No,' said the little prince. 'I am looking for friends. What does that mean - "tame"?'
     'It is an act too often neglected,' said the fox. 'It means to establish ties.'
     '"To establish ties"?'
     'Just that,' said the fox. 'To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world...'
     'I am beginning to understand,' said the little prince. 'There is a flower...I think that she has tamed me...'
     'It is possible,' said the fox. 'On Earth one sees all sorts of things...My life is very monotonous,' he said. 'I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat...'
     The fox gazed at the little prince for a long time.
     'Please - tame me!' he said.
     'I want to, very much,' the little prince replied. 'But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand.'
     'One only understands the things that one tames,' said the fox. 'Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me...'
     'What must I do to tame you?' asked the little prince.
     'You must be very patient,' replied the fox. 'First you will sit down at a little distance from me - like that - in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day...'

     So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure grew near -
     'Ah,' said the fox. 'I shall cry.'
     'It is your own fault,' said the little prince. 'I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you...'
     'Yes, that is so,' said the fox.
     'But now you are going to cry!' said the little prince.
     'Yes, that is so,' said the fox.
     'Then it has done you no good at all!'
     'It has done me good,' said the fox, 'because of the color of the wheat fields.' And then he added: 'Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours in unique in all the world...'

     The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.
     'You are not at all like my rose,' he said. 'As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend and now he is unique in all the world.'
     And the roses were very much embarrassed.
     'You are beautiful, but you are empty,' he went on. 'One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you - the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.'"

November 10, 2003
     Today was a wonderful day! I made $777 at work Friday and we are getting a new roommate, so I can now afford to eat organic food again. I wasn't eating for a while because we couldn't afford organic (because we lost our last roommate) and regular food seems disgusting now. We went to the store today and bought a huge basket full of broccoli, raw almonds, oatmeal, grapes, bananas, cereal, milk, and other yummy stuff. I am so excited! I'm going to stuff my face tomorrow. Once you go organic for two years, the other stuff just seems gross. All you taste is grease and artificial flavoring. My friends think it's weird how I can tell the difference between real and artificial flavors, especially banana. That and watermelon are the worst!

October 25, 2003
     Today has been such a wonderful day. It's the day before our anniversary. The weather dropped down from about eighty earlier today to about forty tonight. It was freezing by our standards! David took me out to dinner at Saltgrass Steakhouse. I told him I didn't think we should go since we really can't afford it. The bill ended up being almost sixty dollars! We drove home and pulled in the alleyway at about eleven. As we pulled up the alley we saw a pair of glowing eyes right in front of the car. David tried scaring it with the horn, but the cat wouldn't move. I got told David I was going to get out and shoo it out of the street. When I got out, I thought it would run away. We have tons of stray kittens living in our alleyway and they are terrified of people. I got up close and it looked at me really terrified, but it didn't move. It was a kitten, about four months old and a calico, so I knew it was a girl. I got up close to let it smell my hand. Instead of running away, she meowed and rubbed her nose against my hand. I immediately snatched her up, purring the whole time, and wrapped my arms around her. I got back in the car with her and shut the door. David just smiled when I held her tight and said "MY kitty" in my most serious tone. She licked my chin.
     We took her into the bathroom to examine her under the lights. She was absolutely filthy! Her fur was sticky and covered in motor oil and dirt. She didn't smell so great. Her bones were sticking all out and she looked like she hadn't eaten in a month. I also noticed that she had worms, but no ear mites. She was very affectionate, though, and never stopped purring or licking us. I brought in some dry cat food and a bowl of water. She would fill her mouth with dry food and swallow the entire mouthful whole without even trying to chew. I have never seen an animal so hungry! I let her eat a little and then let her have a rest and warm up. She drank quite a bit of water. We gave her a bath after a little while and she sat still and purred the whole time. It was amazing! Then I dried her off with warm towels from the dryer which she seemed to enjoy even more than the food. By this time she still had not stopped her billion-decibel purring. I asked David what we should call her. "She sounds like a Harley," he said.
     She's warm and dry now and sleeping peacefully in David's lap. This is the best anniversary gift ever!

October 21, 2003
     I called a hypnotist today. He says I can get hypnotized for the sand thing. He said it would take one or two sessions and would cost between $165 and $265. That's pretty cool. I won't be a crazy person anymore!
     We had two more people come look at the house today. I think they liked it. I hope we sell this place soon. I can't wait to get my life started.
     Autumn is coming in lovely this year. It was hot today, but most of the days these last two weeks have had a chill to them. We leave the windows open in autumn. I love feeling the breezes move over me while I am laying in bed at night. They make you want to snuggle down further in the covers. This is, ultimately, my favorite season. I've been waiting all year for it to get here and now I'm scared it will pass too quickly.
     Since David and I refuse to fly, I was forced to find a ship to take us to Hawaii. Almost all of them are round trip cruises, but there is one ship that leaves from Mexico that would take both of us there one-way for three to five hundred. We would probably be sailing on the Legend of the Seas.

October 19, 2003
     I didn't have that great of a day today. David, Cambria and I took a nice walk. The weather is so beautiful this season! It came time to drive Cambria home and I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. David drives like a maniac - at least twenty miles over the speed limit. He rarely uses his blinkers and never checks before changing lanes. It's absolutely terrifying. We usually fight every time we drive her home because I'm so tense and terrified. I told him I didn't want to go today, that I wanted to stay home. He tried to urge me to go and I told him his driving scared me. I expected him to be sweet and give in and promise not to drive crazy but he just said "fine" and left. He wasn't mad, but it made me really upset. I kept thinking it was all my fault. I usually blame things on myself, but I refuse to give in this time. He needs to learn how to drive like a sane person before he kills all three of us. I still felt so alone on the couch while I waited for him to get back. It seemed like it took all day. I just sat there and felt bad as the sun went down. I called his mom's and left a message for him to come back and get me when he stopped by there to drop something off, but he never got the message. It broke my heart that he didn't turn around to get me and agree to drive normally. It's his stupid sports car. He thinks he's speed racer or something. Neither of us was mad when he got back and we didn't say anything about it. We are going to a movie now. It's like nothing happened at all, but I felt really awful here all alone. I don't ever want to feel that way again, but I just can't give in.
     We are still on for Hawaii, of course. This is all working out so splendidly. We couldn't find a realtor to sell our house at first. They are all very snobbish and make rude faces at me when they come over and see how young I am. Just a couple of weeks ago, however, we did find one who was more than willing to help. He even asked if I wanted to work for him and I said I would think about it. He wants to pay me $500 per customer. I am so excited about selling this place and moving. I need to find a hypnotist first. I know it sounds really weird, but I have this awful fear of sand. Walking on it freaks me out. It has ever since I was a little kid. I can force myself to walk on it, even for long distances, but I start to clench my teeth together so tightly it hurts like heck. I want to get hypnotized for it before we go to the island. I figure if people can get hypnotized to stop smoking and eating, it could work for me, too.

September 21, 2003
We decided we are moving to Hawaii.

September 16, 2003
     David and I went to see "Matchstick Men" Sunday night. I really didn't think that it would be all that incredible, but it was. I had a lot of emotional feelings during the movie so it was either really good or I had really bad PMS. My monthly tends to make me cry a lot - even at commercials, especially the PBS commercial with the goldfish - God! That one is my favorite!
     I'm still dreaming about having my little farm. I'm annoyed that we are broke all of the time. I know I come from a family that believes in saving every penny, but David is driving me nutty! Everyone around me seems to be doing so well. Here we are in a crappy house and we both have really good jobs and we are always so broke! It kind of irritates me that David is so big into spending. He has to have a nice sports car and expensive toys. I shudder to think what he pays in insurance! I know the car payment is $450 per month. Plus, he pays $500 each month (1/3 his paycheck) and $750 twice a year to his ex wife for his daughter. That is way too much money, I think! On top of that, we pay over $900/mo on the mortgage and we can't find a new roommate. The bills are at least $400 per month. I am amazed we are able to come up with the money, but our savings is totally gone. Thousands of dollars. I don't know how we will pay for our $4000 in property and school taxes at the end of the year. I am so scared. He wants to get a new car that is way more than the one he has now. He just doesn't understand and he won't listen to me when I tell him not to buy things. Here I am driving around in a clanker that has no air-conditioning (in 111 degree heat!!!) and needs more money in parts than the car is worth. I paid $3500 for it outright and drove it home three years ago in great condition. I never spent anything on interest and my insurance is $40 per month full coverage. We spent $3000 on the air conditioner and never even got it fixed. Things are getting so horrible. I know now that we made a mistake buying this house. I never dreamed that David would hemorrhage money like a burst dam. I have dreams I want to accomplish and I think I need to get on it now before it is too late. I need an idea on how to make money, but if it were anything legal, everyone would be doing it. I am starting to get desperate. I know that it is just a phase and I don't need to worry. Life is like that. You think you have it all worked out and then it backfires on you. That's just the way it is, so I guess I'm not really that scared. Life deals you blows. You have to learn to roll with the punches.
     It helps, at night, to just relax and close my eyes and think of my little farm I want to have. There will be huge gardens - enough to feed us for the entire year - and two horses to pull the plow. I'll raise goats and sheep and spin their hair in front of the fireplace in winter. I want chickens and fresh eggs, hives of bees for making honey and beeswax candles. I want wooden floors and stone walls and roses growing under every window. I want a huge iron stove to bake bread and pies in, and a giant feather bed covered with handmade quilts I can snuggle in with my kids. There will be a pond with ducks and geese, stocked with fish to eat. I will build the attic high for drying herbs and the porch will be huge so we can all spend time outside together in the evening chatting with friends. I want to work hard all day and spend an entire month over the stove, canning what I've grown. I will dry food and have two giant freezers in the back of the house. I want to wake up with the sun and go to bed aching. I want construction paper pictures hanging in my kitchen and herbs growing in a box under the windowsill. I want to see stars when I look at the sky at night.

July 8, 2003
Something wonderful happened to me yesterday! Two days ago, I put out some chocolate, cocoa liquor, and dried apricots for the fairies as thanks for something they helped me with. Yesterday I went out to hang the laundry on the line. I got to the end of the first row when I nearly stuck my hand in a giant spider web. I shrieked, not out of fear, but surprise, when I saw the largest and most beautiful spider I have ever seen in my life (and being that spiders are one of my favorite things, that's saying a lot). She is about four or five inches long and quite colorful. She had built her web over the offering I left for the fairies the night before. I think this is a wonderful blessing. I took two photos of her, one from the front and one from the back. I looked her up today and found she is a "Writing Spider" (Argiope aurantia) Showed her to David last night and when I turned around, there was another huge spider web with a large brown spider (of a different species)  in it. Her web was much more beautiful and intricate, but when I went to check on her this morning, she was gone without a trace and the web as well. I think she is probably strictly a nocturnal spider. My grandmother had lots of them on her houseboat at the lake. They never come out in the day, but when it gets dark, everything: boats, trees, docks, even fishing poles, are covered in a veritable cocoon of millions of huge webs. In the morning they are gone. They seem to prefer areas around lakes.

May 25, 2003
Here are some good questions:
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?
Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" and "weird" be spelled wrong?
Can a blind man see the future?
How do they get the candy coating on M&Ms?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do blind people dream?
why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of the skating rinks?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
Why are Adam and Eve always drawn with belly buttons?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat and dropped it?

May 3, 2003
If we don't change the direction we are headed, we will end up where we are going.
-Chinese Proverb

The garden is going along great! There are pumpkins, watermelon, onions, carrots, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, potatoes, peppers, lettuce, okra, corn, and green beans. The plants are getting huge. I have never seen anything work so well as compost. We have had so much rain, I thought that everything would get drowned. Instead, it seems to have only encouraged everything to flower profusely. There are plenty of potted herbs and I even have some wild carrots, garlic, and onions growing in the yard. I pulled the onions and froze them and plan to use them the next time I need them. I think they would be great in some salsa. The carrots are so small, they are hardly worth eating and the garlic is blooming. I will wait until it finishes before I pull it because it is so pretty. There is a cardinal who has taken over the giant pecan tree in the back yard. He sings his wee-oo wee-oo pew pew pew pew pew all day long. With the way things are going, we should have lots of watermelons come summer and pumpkins for fall. I'm worried about the corn, however. It is not as green as I expected it to be. I will try putting more compost on it.
We went to Scarborough Faire today, a Renaissance festival that happens here in Texas each spring. We dress in costumes that I make and spend a day out in the sunshine watching jousting and eating giant turkey legs. Cambria is so excited about Scarborough that she saves all her chore money during the entire year each year just to spend it all on Scarborough the next year. Her favorite is the pony rides. This year she bought a flower hairpiece, two necklaces, and a giant peacock feather. The day was special for me because I got to see a good old friend I haven't seen in years. We were walking across one of the main bridges when I heard my name being called out. I turned around and Amy was sitting on a bench, not sure whether or not she had seen me. We embraced and got excited about finally finding each other. We exchanged e-mails and phone numbers. Now I can finally give back that book she loaned me about six years ago. All in all, the day was pretty perfect.

February 18, 2003
I started my new garden today. It may seem a little early, but it gets warm pretty quick in Texas. We had only one day of snow and it actually stuck! It was about two inches or so. That may not seem like much to anyone else, but my seven year old was having a wonderful time building five-inch-tall snowmen in the backyard. Today I raked all the dirt back into the garden. I had dug a huge hole by the house for a koi pond. Then some guys came to fix our roof and told us that putting the pond there wasn't such a good idea. They said if any water leaked down the sides it could go under the house and cause foundation damage. I'm not sure if I believe them, but I would rather not take the chance. I filled it back in with a rake and a hoe which took a couple of hours. I had to remove all of the leaves and pecans first. We have four pecan trees and I literally filled a huge cardboard box in the living room with pecans. I have no Idea what I'm going to do with all of them. After I raked it smooth, I set up a board by the gate so that the mud won't wash into the driveway when it rains Thursday. I pulled all of the weeds out of my pots and found lots of new growth on the herbs I thought were killed during the freeze. They seemed undaunted. I guess the roots stayed alive. There are little patches of lemon balm and sage left over from winter. I pruned and pulled until things looked healthy. I ripped up all my bulbs and replanted them. They produced offspring bulbs so quickly in only one year. I am amazed! It must have been some really good soil. I put the flowers on the front porch since the backyard garden is going to be strictly herbs and food plants. I am learning about organic gardening and how to keep pests away naturally without using any kind of chemicals. I think I might write an organic gardening page in my gardening section. Anyway, the seeds for my new herbs and vegetables were ordered. I forgot to order potato seeds so I think I will just cut up those old organic potatoes in the kitchen and plant them. They are too wrinkly for me to consider eating them anyway.

January 19, 2003

Here are two very  lovely and very spiritual songs from Tool's "Lateralus" album.

Parabola

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Alive, I

In this holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Twirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion.

Lateralus

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going, going...